A member of my support system

I have often spoken of my support system and how they are essential to my success as a single mom and a college student. Here is a video that I made of my kids and my dad. He tells about his special relationship with my kids.

Super Single Mom Moment: Utilize those around you who love you and your kids. Everyone wins when these types of relationships are built.

A Neverending Story; My Domestic Violence Story: Part III

“How do you get rid of an abusive boyfriend?” That was the question I posed to my Wal-Mart coworker in October 2004.

As I stated in an earlier blog, The Beginning and The Beginning of the End; My Domestic Violence Story: Part I , domestic violence is when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate another. Most victims of Domestic Violence suffer physical, psychological/emotional, and financial abuse.

Many times throughout an eight year relationship family members and friends asked me why I did not leave my abuser. It was not until I went to group therapy at Behavioral Connections of Wood County that I felt as if someone understood.

I had learned of the group through my Rape and Domestic violence advocate Ivy. As described in The Terror of Giving a Statement; My domestic Violence Story: Part II, I met Ivy that day I told a coworker and ended up at the Wood County Hospital to participate in a rape kit.

A rape kit is the biological and physical evidence collected from a victim of a sexual assault. It is used as evidence and may be declined by the victim. Clothing samples were taken, swabs were used in areas where bodily fluids may be and pictures were taken of various parts of my body. And then after giving a full statement to the police I had to recount it for Ivy and the nurse to take notes.

Ivy met with me to find out how I was doing and to help guide me through the court process. As part of the road to healing she suggested I attend a domestic violence group that she mediated.
The group consisted of me and other women, all in different stages of their domestic violence healing.

We came together to learn more about our abusers and how to stay safe. Some of the women had been victims when they were young, some were still with their abusers and a few of us were just getting out of our relationships. I was the only one in that group about to face a trial. No others had brought charges against their abusers.

Police have a hard job when it comes to domestic Violence. The fear of retaliation keeps women from following through with charges or even reporting them at all. Temporary Protection Orders (TPO’s) and Personal Protection Orders (PPO’s) are only good to those who call when violated and those men who abide by them.

I was told to give a copy of mine to work, my child’s daycare and her school. When I went to another town I was told to call the police and let them know I had one and that I was coming. At work there were so many people that worked the doors it would have been hard for them to know if he showed up.

When I called the police to tell them in another town I was going to be staying, they asked why I had called unless he had broken it. I felt embarrassed, doing something that I was told was to help protect me. These orders look good in the abstract however in reality the confidence in them is low.

Mike Williams, a police officer said, "Until the TPO or PPO is violated there isn't much we can do. However, giving the police a heads up can help them be aware of a possible situation."

Williams also said that keeping records and contacting the police every time the order is broken is helpful to show a pattern of unlawfulness.

After all of this the trial can be the most difficult part of coming forward as a domestic violence victim. Witnesses, evidence and being face to face with your abuser are why many do not want to take it this far.

I had a lot of support both legally with the prosecutor, my lawyer (appointed and free), my advocate both from the prosecution office and social services and my family and it was still the scariest thing I ever did.

I felt like I was on trial for everything I’d ever done in my life. The defense lawyer, of course had no sympathy. This is another reason why many women never file charges on their abusers.

I ran into snags left and right during the process, such as keeping my new address private and off the court papers. Without the help of my advocate, I would have been completely lost in the process.

I would like to say I went all the way through the trial, but I did not. After the birth of our second daughter we got back together and the prosecution struck a deal with the defense. My abuser was forced to get an assessment and to undergo counseling.

With the aid of all those around me I did finally my abuser. We have three children together and he will never be completely out of my life. I get stronger and further away from him every day.

If leaving the abuser was as simple as some think we would have no need of all the Domestic Violence Programs. Fear and psychological effects are hard to overcome, especially when you add children to the mix. Even with all the help a woman can receive now it is never simple or easy.

Super Single Mom Moment: Every case is different, take a deep breath and utilize those who can and want to help and those who love you to make the decision that is right for you!

Make your Family Bonding Night a Classic Movie Night

Classic Movie Night
A good cheep inexpensive Saturday night activity and way to bond with your children is to hold a classic movie night. This can’t just be sitting down and watching a movie, you have to do a little more but it can do a lot for you and your children.

Picking a Classic Movie
Choosing a classic movie will give you something to talk about with your children. You can talk about how you felt when you first watch this movie, where you lived and why you really liked it. It gives you a reason to share a little about yourself with your children.

To find a good classic movie you can check out the Turner Classic Movie website. It has a database of movies, lists of what it's playing and tons more.

Create a Setting
Bring down pillows and blankets and make a large area for you and your children to lay down or sit comfortably. Sitting together can help make it a bonding moment too. If you’re all sitting in different seats it’s not as much of a together moment.

Or line some chairs up like a movie theater and turn out the lights, this creates a mood for the children.

Make some Snacks
Letting the kids help make popcorn, or snacks such as banana splits, milkshakes can make it a fun time too. While making the popcorn maybe make a couple of different bowls with mix-ins such as chocolate candy, different seasonings, or caramel popcorn, to make it interesting.

Learning Moments
Depending on the age or age range of your children if the movie has a nice message this can be a lead in to discussing important morals or values you want to instill into your child.

Super Single Mom Moment: These are the movies you loved, why not expose your children to something dear to you!

Birthday Parties! A Yearly Expense

I don’t know about the rest of you single mom’s out there but when I know one of my children’s birthday’s are coming up I start to tear up, and it’s not only because they are another year older! Birthday parties have become an expensive event. You can almost rank it up there with Christmas and it usually exceeds Easter and Halloween!

Why? After you buy all the party supplies aka: matching decorations, the present, a new outfit, party favors, food and a cake do you have anything left for entertainment? I don’t, so I try to find creative ways to bring my cost down. I have already talked about my Ohio Direction card which takes care of the food, cake and snacks. However, even with it I don’t usually have any extra every month so I must plan and budget for these things.

If you have the money to it can seem like a great idea to give store baought party favors. Where do those little toys that you can buy from Wal-Mart and other stores really end up? Mine usually end up in the trash or sometimes as bath toys for a while, because I don’t mind throwing them away.

Instead of giving cheep toys why not give something that they could actually use? A picture or a t-shirt is something they can have fun designing and keep forever. If you give a picture you could buy a cheap frame from a dollar store or make them from Popsicle sticks.Let the kids decorate them as part of the entertainment. T shirts can be bought in packs of 5 and then either written on with cloth markers or puffy paint. These materials can also be used over and over and are somewhat of an investment. Doing cheep crafts with them helps with something to do and gives them something to take home.

I also believe in using things you already have, for girl’s slumber parties, old dress up clothes and make up is an easy way for them to be entertained. Food crafts are always fun too. Have them help bake some cookies, cupcakes and then decorate them. Having a dance contest is cheep and makes for great video's that can be made into keepsakes. The winner doesn’t need to get a prize, they can get other perks, like the first to pick an outfit or get their hair and make up done. There are tons of cheep sleepover games to play with all different ages.

For summer birthday parties a trip to the park is always an A+ with my kids, the playground equipment is the entertainment and all I have to do is worry about getting the food around, the presents opened and taking good pictures!

Super Single Mom Moment: Fun is the most important ingrediant in a good Birthday Party not Money!

Photo by: Heather Camden

The Terror and Relief of Making a Statement; My Domestic Violence Story:Pat II

It was the morning of October 8, 2005 about 2:30 am when I was subjected to hours of sexual, emotional and physical abuse. My four-year-old daughter lay awake in the next room filled with fear and confusion. Afraid of what he may do to me or our daughter, I endured it and waited without sleep until it was time for me to go to work. I had endured years of this but this was the second time my daughter, of an age of understanding, witnessed her father abusing me. I knew it had to stop, but I was unsure of what to do or even how to begin. I fretted about whether to just take our daughter and leave or leave her there so he would not be suspicious.

Although it killed me I left her there and went to work hoping that a friend who was also in law enforcement would be there. As I entered I did what I always did after the abuse, put on a fake smile and pretended I was the happiest girl in the world. It was fairly easy; I’d been doing it since I was young to stop my mother’s fear of my depressions. Now, it came in handy for my abuser.

We were having a potluck that day and during my break I caught my supervisor and Melanie, the coworker I was looking for, alone. I asked one simple question, “How do you get rid of an abusive boyfriend?” And with one simple question of her own she cracked my facade. “Recently physically abusive,” Melanie asked and I began to cry. I showed her the bite mark and bruises from that morning. She made a call to the police and before I knew it I was giving an account of what happened to an officer.

I was then escorted to the police station and gave a taped statement. Melanie sat beside me the whole time holding my hand when at times the fear of my abusers retaliation would fill my body and the need to flee would take hold. She never told me I had to stay but she assured me that she would do all she could to help me get away from my abuser.

I interviewed a police officer, Mike Williams, about taking statements from domestic violence victims. Williams, said"taking statements of domestic violence is never easy. " He said that the intimate nature of some of the questions he must ask is hard on both sides.

Williams said, "I know that in the end these questions will aid in the prosecution of the offender and that's why it's my duty to ask them."

After the police statement I was taken directly to the hospital. There were two reasons for this the first was because of the sexual nature of the abuse and the second to make sure the four month old unborn child in my stomach was still OK. While I was on my way to the hospital a police officers went to my apartment to pick up my daughter and to arrest my abuser.

Williams said, "I try to make it the least stressful on any children in the house as I can."

I was assured that they had two officers, one took my abuser as he answered the door and the other went immediately to find my daughter so she did not witness him being arrested.

A special nurse was assigned to me who had been trained to administer a rape kit. The invasive nature of this medical/forensic tool is hard to describe. Many times I felt like crying and saying stop it is too much. However, I understood the need and purpose of it and cooperated as well as I could. The nurse administering the rape kit was very well trained and did a good job of gentle guiding me through the procedures.

Part of the rape kit was to take down my statement. The nurse did this and as a matter of procedure I was assigned a victim advocate, Ivy. I sat there, Melanie by my side, and retold the story again in front of two new strangers. I didn’t know it then but Ivy would become one of the most important people in my life at this time.

I interviewed Dawn Thompson a LPN, about what she was taught about domestic violence victims. She said, "I was only taught to look for signs."

Thompson also said she was taught to comfort anyone who expresses that they are a victim of domestic violence.

"We are supposed to alert authorities." Thompson said.

When I was done I had an ultrasound to make sure my baby was all right. It was and my coworker escorted me to my apartment to gather some of my possessions. Already there were collect calls from the jail from my abuser. I broke down and cried again and Melanie hugged me tightly.

From there came charges and court cases. I will discuss that in a later post.

Super Single Mom Moment: Sometimes it is the unlikeliest people we use to get help. Melanie was my "angel".You never know when you will have the chance to be a domestic violence victim's "angel".

Parks and Museums in Northwestern Ohio

As Spring arrives and summer begins single mothers are sometimes at a loss for what to do with thier children. With little to no extra spending money the activities can seem very limited. Here is a map for those of you who want to do some things with your children that is low to no cost.



View Parks and Museums in Northwestern Ohio in a larger map

Super Single Mom Moment: Doing fun and inexpensive activities with your children.

Car Seats and Booster Seat Laws

Carseat and Booster Seat laws have changed so much in recent years I thought it would be benneficial to let everyone know what it is. A complete list of what the law is for each state can be found at elitecarseats.com.

In Ohio infants must be in a rear facing carseat until age one and they must meet the requirement of 20lbs. Children must be in a carseat until the age of 4 and they must meet the requirment of 40lbs before they can move up to a booster seat. Children must sit in a booster seat until the age of 8 and they must meet the requirment of 57".