A Neverending Story; My Domestic Violence Story: Part III

“How do you get rid of an abusive boyfriend?” That was the question I posed to my Wal-Mart coworker in October 2004.

As I stated in an earlier blog, The Beginning and The Beginning of the End; My Domestic Violence Story: Part I , domestic violence is when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate another. Most victims of Domestic Violence suffer physical, psychological/emotional, and financial abuse.

Many times throughout an eight year relationship family members and friends asked me why I did not leave my abuser. It was not until I went to group therapy at Behavioral Connections of Wood County that I felt as if someone understood.

I had learned of the group through my Rape and Domestic violence advocate Ivy. As described in The Terror of Giving a Statement; My domestic Violence Story: Part II, I met Ivy that day I told a coworker and ended up at the Wood County Hospital to participate in a rape kit.

A rape kit is the biological and physical evidence collected from a victim of a sexual assault. It is used as evidence and may be declined by the victim. Clothing samples were taken, swabs were used in areas where bodily fluids may be and pictures were taken of various parts of my body. And then after giving a full statement to the police I had to recount it for Ivy and the nurse to take notes.

Ivy met with me to find out how I was doing and to help guide me through the court process. As part of the road to healing she suggested I attend a domestic violence group that she mediated.
The group consisted of me and other women, all in different stages of their domestic violence healing.

We came together to learn more about our abusers and how to stay safe. Some of the women had been victims when they were young, some were still with their abusers and a few of us were just getting out of our relationships. I was the only one in that group about to face a trial. No others had brought charges against their abusers.

Police have a hard job when it comes to domestic Violence. The fear of retaliation keeps women from following through with charges or even reporting them at all. Temporary Protection Orders (TPO’s) and Personal Protection Orders (PPO’s) are only good to those who call when violated and those men who abide by them.

I was told to give a copy of mine to work, my child’s daycare and her school. When I went to another town I was told to call the police and let them know I had one and that I was coming. At work there were so many people that worked the doors it would have been hard for them to know if he showed up.

When I called the police to tell them in another town I was going to be staying, they asked why I had called unless he had broken it. I felt embarrassed, doing something that I was told was to help protect me. These orders look good in the abstract however in reality the confidence in them is low.

Mike Williams, a police officer said, "Until the TPO or PPO is violated there isn't much we can do. However, giving the police a heads up can help them be aware of a possible situation."

Williams also said that keeping records and contacting the police every time the order is broken is helpful to show a pattern of unlawfulness.

After all of this the trial can be the most difficult part of coming forward as a domestic violence victim. Witnesses, evidence and being face to face with your abuser are why many do not want to take it this far.

I had a lot of support both legally with the prosecutor, my lawyer (appointed and free), my advocate both from the prosecution office and social services and my family and it was still the scariest thing I ever did.

I felt like I was on trial for everything I’d ever done in my life. The defense lawyer, of course had no sympathy. This is another reason why many women never file charges on their abusers.

I ran into snags left and right during the process, such as keeping my new address private and off the court papers. Without the help of my advocate, I would have been completely lost in the process.

I would like to say I went all the way through the trial, but I did not. After the birth of our second daughter we got back together and the prosecution struck a deal with the defense. My abuser was forced to get an assessment and to undergo counseling.

With the aid of all those around me I did finally my abuser. We have three children together and he will never be completely out of my life. I get stronger and further away from him every day.

If leaving the abuser was as simple as some think we would have no need of all the Domestic Violence Programs. Fear and psychological effects are hard to overcome, especially when you add children to the mix. Even with all the help a woman can receive now it is never simple or easy.

Super Single Mom Moment: Every case is different, take a deep breath and utilize those who can and want to help and those who love you to make the decision that is right for you!